2011 Gatorade Duels Contain Less Electrolytes, More Coors Light

Image courtesy of Trexer

Daytona Beach, FL—Scientists from the Centers for Liquid Refreshment Research (CLRR) released a new report that finds a dramatic dip in electrolyte-based beverages and a strong surge in alcoholic drinks consumed by spectators of the 2011 Gatorade Duels, the twin-races that determine the pole positions for the Daytona 500.

"Frankly, we're shocked by the data," said Griffin DuPree, lead researcher at the CLRR. "By an 18:1 margin, fans in the stands watching the two 150-mile races chose alcohol over the race sponsor's own Gatorade. In spite of Gatorade's ubiquitous marketing campaign for their G Series line of sports drinks, the crowds continue having their Richard Petty and Cale Yarborough commemorative Big Gulp cups replenished with beer, wine and spirits rather than Prime 01, Perform 02 or Recover 03."

"Granted, we only began collecting information about the drinking habits of NASCAR attendees this year," added DuPree. "But our sources at Gatorade assured us that the fans craved their drink's proprietary blend of high-fructose corn syrup, sodium and, of course, electrolytes."

"Gatorade is an aspirations beverage," said Jennifer Bowls, spokeswoman and lobbyist for the sports drink industry. "People drink it because they believe it'll give them the same competitive edge that their sports heroes possess. In the case of NASCAR, our projections may have been a tad off the mark."

Scuffles among the boozy spectators have been nominal, though near chaos broke out when a Coors Light kiosk was toppled by an irate, openly intoxicated man. The sweating gentlemen, whose upper torso was painted green and white in apparent homage to Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s #88 National Guard/AMP Energy racecar, claimed he didn't receive fair service. "Only a half-pull! Only a goddamn half-pull! I paid the man my $11, and he tries to give me a lousy half-pull! That I can't abide!"